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Thursday, August 11, 2016

Feather Boas and Cigarette Holders

I know you're thinking being an author is glamorous and an author event is time to break out the feather boas and cigarette holders.

Okay. I'm gonna let you think that.

I'm also going to let you think that an "author event" is a glittery cocktail party populated with intellectuals, celebrities, bon vivants, and socialites who trade uncanny insights mixed with scintillating patter. 

Yup. Dead on. The secret is out.

Standing for hours in broiling sun next to malodorous people wearing mismatched shoes with food in their teeth and listening to diatribes with no particular point never happens. Not once. Ever.

Perfectly manicured nails never ever get broken setting up a vendor tent.

Backs and legs remain rested and never become achy or strained from lugging cases of books across parking lots the size of a football field...or two.

Each day is a rousing success.

Books are always clutched lovingly to the hearts of readers and are never ever carelessly dropped in dirt or smudged with greasy fingers rendering them unsaleable. 

Library halls and auditoriums are filled to standing room only for author presentations and interviews.

People are never rude or dismissive.

Events are well attended because publishers have unlimited budgets for marketing collateral and newspaper ads. Book publicists always under-promise, over-deliver on clever, attention getting and crowd gathering promotions. In fact, publicists give away their time and effort for free. After all, good ideas are a dime a dozen and publicists, like authors, love what they do so much they don't have to get paid.

Spouses always listen to every word a reader or an author utters. Why? Each observation and story told is fresh and new and interest never has to be feigned when someone says, "Here's an idea for a book you should (or I want to) write."

You don't have to love writing or the process of "all things book." In fact, the life of an author is so wonderful and easy, you don't even have to like those things to participate.

Boo yeah, being an author is glorious, exciting, and effortless. 


In the market for a bridge? There's one I'd like to sell you.